flexible body, flexible mind

for a long time now, i have been eluding my body. steering clear of physical exercise in all but the most superficial ways, i was definitely not relating to my physical-ness.  a few years ago, my body endured some trauma which changed my body in small but dramatic ways.  the memory and repercussions of those assaults and changes has stayed with me and, established many self-imposed physical boundaries.  those boundaries became barriers, reasons, excuses, and eventually total denial.  i lived in denial of my physical self for so long that i lost flexibility of body and spirit.  (for an ex-dancer that means a lot.) the stiffness was in my limbs, my spine, my hips, my back, my shoulders … it permeated into all my cells, into my brain, and into my heart. i froze up.

i was protecting myself. and then i was hiding. i stayed engaged with mental and emotional trials. content for some time with discontent. unwilling to stretch forward.

there was no profound event. the defrosting has come in waves.  at the beginning of this year, i did a lot of praying.  a lot of begging the universe to undo it and wake me up. a lot of spiritual arguing.  i sought and found many teachers along the way. i asked and listened – still in my head – but slowly applying their wisdom.  sometimes, so slowly that i forgot for awhile …  and then remembered … letting it all settle into my understanding so i could find a way to acceptance.

body is not separate from mind.  what we say to ourselves matters. we manifest what happens to us by the words we choose to hold onto, the story we create around what happens, and the people we surround ourselves with (or isolate ourselves from).

at the end of this year, the ice is melting and i am sitting in a pool of water. .. no longer frozen. i am not yet an ocean of movement, but december is warm.

by eddie vedder:  ‘better days’

i feel part of the universe open up to meet me. my emotions so submerged, broken down to kneel in. once listening, the voices they came.  had to somehow greet myself, read myself.  heard vibrations within my cells … singing ah, ah, ah, ahhhhh.

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that was then, this is how

all

your life

you were only

waiting

for this moment

to arrive.

—

(sing it with me)

—

people come to me and tell me all the things they believe are wrong with themselves.  premature ovarian failure, high FSH, i have no desire, i’m too fat, i shouldn’t have said that, i can’t do this, i don’t know how to this, this, or this. i hear them and i hear myself too. everywhere people are talking about, singing about, yelling about what is going wrong. and almost everywhere we look – the same. the 24-hr ‘news’ cycle is really just the bad news.

the more we keep seeing and believing the “bad” things, the more those things will manifest in our present.  when you hold on to the idea that ‘i can’t do this’; the more your brain, your body, your cells, your arms, your heart and your mental reasoning will hold that idea to be fact.

every moment offers an opportunity to be aware of what we tell ourselves.

let’s be kind.

one moment, one new thought

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